Wondering How To Develop Good Parenting Skills? Do These 6 Things

Raising our children is one of the most complex, challenging, yet rewarding responsibilities we parents will ever have. It’s also the job that is most overlooked and least prepared for. We tend to parent as our own parents did: the good, the bad, and the ugly. So what is the best way to learn how to be a good parent? If you’re wondering how to develop good parenting skills, do these 6 things:

1 – Be a learner.

Good parenting is a skill that we can all learn. It comes from watching, asking questions, looking for answers, and then practicing the knowledge gained. Just like learning to play an instrument, a sport, or a new language, skillful parenting takes attention, time, and practice. There are great resources available—some that cost money and others that are free. Take advantage of everything you can!

Look online for the top-rated parenting programs. The best program will be the one that fits your values, personality, and ability to implement the steps and strategies consistently. What’s good for you might not work as well for your neighbor. Ways to engage in learning include classes, videos, books, and mentoring. What we don’t learn there, we can learn from our hands-on experience as we correct our mistakes along the way, earlier rather than latre.

2- Start when your child is young.

Parenting begins the moment your child is born! Think of yourself as a mentor to your little one. You are modeling how adults live and act, in preparation for your child’s entrance into adulthood. Children are learning from infancy onward. They watch how you communicate with others, what is and isn’t acceptable social behavior, and how to handle responsibilities. They are also learning whether or not the world is a “safe” place and if people can be trusted. This is vital to your child’s emotional health and development. S/he needs to feel secure and loved–that their needs will be met.

Although it’s never too late to improve your skills and start implementing effective parenting strategies, the older your children get, the more resistant they will be to change and the more difficult it will be to start new habits. Be patient. It takes time to establish new patterns of behavior for everyone in the family, but with determination, consistency, and a positive attitude you’ll reap the benefits!

3 – Stay calm and carry on.

As Anne Lamott says, they don’t come with operating instructions. We will make mistakes. We will worry. We will feel guilty, and a whole range of other emotions. Yet know that you are learning from them, as they are from you. In the end, the good-enough, responsible parents will watch in awe as their children mature and fly the nest. You will weather the middle and high school years, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. It’s important to keep sight of the end result we want, and that they want. If we model high standards of behavior, ethics, and compassion, our children almost always follow suit. When they don’t, and you truly are concerned for their welfare, seek outside help. These are new waters we are wading into in the time of digital communication and “social” media, which I believe is anything but promoting good standards of socialization.

I thought the worst thing I ever did was graze my son’s head on a wall during a late-night feeding. I was sleep-deprived, but skulls have lots of blood vessels! (See what I learned?) And he was absolutely fine after about an hour of enraged tears (and my guilty ones). That was nothing when my kids were diagnosed with reading processing and ADHD challenges. And that was nothing when they hit high school, and we all had to navigate lockdowns, suicides, and the fierce competition of a new teen era.

And yet my children have grown into amazing, successful, balanced adults in spite of my lack of instructions or experience.

4- Practice self-care. 

One of the reasons being a parent is often stressful is because it’s 24/7. You’re “on call” every day at all hours. For the stay-at-home parent it becomes especially important to maintain adult interaction. When you are alone with young children all day long, day after day, the isolation you feel can lead to depression, loneliness, and resentment. When you’re a working parent, it can seem as if your only break is a few hours of sleep a night.  A healthy way to combat this is through connection with other adults.

Do you have friends or family who are also raising children? Arrange for weekly play-dates where you can meet at a park or playground or at one another’s houses to enjoy conversation and coffee while tending the kids. Consider joining a parenting group such as MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or City Dads Group. Find a group for families and not just for your kids. In this competitive age, we find little time to converse as grown-ups because of travel teams and public service groups.

Set aside regular time with your spouse or partner so as to keep your relationship strong. And make time for yourself. Arrange with your spouse to “hold down the fort” while you get some time away from home to refresh, renew, and recover, and reciprocate.

5 – Don’t compare!

This is a tough one, but it is possible! Family dynamics vary from one home to another. Avoid comparing yourself and your children to other parents and their children. Everyone’s situation and skill-set is different and each child is different. Like my husband and I, you might have the additional challenge of a child with ADHD, a learning disability, an emotional disorder, or a physical impairment. Your child may be adopted from another country and needs to adjust to not just the early transition but to peers noticing differences. It isn’t fair to yourself or your child to compare your situation to your neighbor’s.

Keep a good perspective and don’t be too hard on yourself or your child. Keep an eye out for bullying or adult harshness if your child is different, but keep your expectations high. Let them know what you think is right, and then let them go (as long as they’re safe). Children are learning to become adults, which is a process. Likewise, you’re learning to parent well, which is also a process. Stay flexible and be willing to change techniques or learn new strategies. There are many ways to parent! The most important thing is to parent with love. Love yourself. Love your spouse or partner. Love your child. Build trust into the parent-child relationship, and mistakes made along the way will work out.

6 – Lead by example.

Practice modeling the behavior you want your children to adopt. If you want them to learn respect for others, they must see you respecting others. If you want them to learn good manners, then demonstrate good manners at home and away from home. Actions speak louder than words, so ensure that your actions speak love, patience, and acceptance loud and clear, along with the ideals you want your child to copy. In one sentence: Practice what you preach.

Good parenting isn’t instinctual; it’s relational. We relate to our children the way our parents related to us. If we came from a dysfunctional home, the tendency—but not the inevitability—is to continue to operate under that dysfunction, especially when under stress. If you find yourself slipping into such behavior, enlist help and be kind to yourself. We are capable of learning new patterns of relating!

It takes real commitment, but the rewards in terms of developing healthy, loving relationships with your children as they grow into adulthood and beyond, are phenomenal.

Kathryn Ramsperger is an author and coach, wife and mom. If you’d like discover more or to chat with her about your relationships, parenting challenges, or how to communicate with your child, see her other posts on this blog, or fill out this form for a complimentary no-obligation session.