The 5 Keys To Good Parenting for Tweens
It’s that in-between age where your son or daughter is not quite a child any more, yet not a teenager. Children in this age group are starting to put themselves in the shoes of others, and think more abstractly. They’re also beginning to strive for more independence, rely on their friends, and be more resistant to following household rules. Whereas they used to come to you with all their problems, they now insist on privacy. Some things remain the same as “back in the day” when we were that age, but a lot has changed. To adapt to those changes constructively, we’ll look at the 5 keys to good parenting for tweens.
When most of us were ages 9 to 12, we were likely still playing with dolls, “Hot Wheels,” and Legos®. Riding around the neighborhood on bikes or skateboards was our greatest pastime, along with watching Saturday morning cartoons. Video game technology was in its infancy. And for the most part—barring a lot of family dysfunction—we liked family time.
Today’s preteens face challenges we couldn’t have dreamed of when we were that age. Society is much more sexualized. Ads, the internet, and even children’s programs on TV and cable bombard preteens with messages on sexuality, drug use, environmental, racial, and social issues that were once discussed primarily in the home with parents or guardians. Our children are aware of what’s going on in the world to a greater extent we were, and under much more pressure than we faced in our middle school years.
Keep these five key skills in mind as you parent your tweens:
Listen with empathy.
Despite resistance to your authority, your tweens still need you to be their champion. They need to feel heard and validated. Refrain from jumping in with advice right away; instead, explore solutions to problems together.
Guard your tongue.
Your tween is listening to what you say about people, especially about other kids their age. If your words or tone are critical of other families, your tween won’t feel comfortable coming to you for help when its needed.
Avoid power struggles.
Ranting, raving, nagging, and pleading have never been effective methods of gaining compliance with children—not when we were their age and not now. Nothing has changed in that regard! Set clear expectations. Steer clear of judgment.
Give them choices within limits:
“Do you want to finish your home now or in 30 minutes?”
“Would you rather load the dishwasher or unload it?”
“Will you be home after the movie at 7:00 or 7:30?”
If he doesn’t choose, then calmly choose for him. If she gives a choice you didn’t offer, and it isn’t reasonable, make the choice for her. Be sure to stay calm and empathetic. Resist using sarcasm.
Help them learn responsibility.
We need to show, not tell, our kids how to behave by modeling appropriate behavior. The best way to help your tween develop good decision-making skills is to step aside for the small stuff. Allow them to make poor decisions (that are safe) and experience the consequences.
Example:
Johnny’s softball coach requires team players to arrive in clean uniforms. If the uniform is not clean, the player has to sit out on the bench the whole game. Johnny has been doing his own laundry for several months now. His mother asks him if he had a chance to wash his uniform. He says he will do it after breakfast, but he forgets because he starts playing video games. When it’s time to leave for softball, Johnny’s uniform is still dirty. He asks his mom if she can quickly scrub out the grass stains for him or else he won’t be allowed to play in the game.
With empathy and compassion Mom says, “I’m sorry Johnny, but I have things I need to get done before we leave. What do you think you’ll do?” After some whining and tears, and Mom not rescuing him, Johnny decides to scrub his uniform himself. The result is less than perfect and his coach makes him sit out during the game. From then on Johnny makes sure his uniform is laundered well in advance.
The key is to not gloat or say ”I told you so.” Johnny is already experiencing the consequences of his actions. The lesson is already loud and clear. The only comment from mom or dad, if any, should be one of sympathy and understanding; “I’m sure that was disappointing for you to have to sit out during the game. I’m sorry that happened.” Period. The temptation for parents is to follow up with a remark like, “I guess next time you’ll be prepared!” However, restrain yourself. And watch him be better prepared next time.
Be vigilant.
As your child reaches the “tween years,” many changes are going on in their bodies and identities. Puberty is beginning to set in. Their interests change as they’re introduced to new concepts, subjects, and opportunities in school. They’re aware of the changes in their bodies and are more sensitive to what their peers think about them. Without prying or hovering over them, be alert to their emotions and behaviors. They still need your guidance and direction. Be open to discussing current issues and events with them, even when it may be uncomfortable for you. If they feel like they cannot go to mom or dad for advice (or to air their own opinions) they will seek it elsewhere, and maybe from an unhealthy or untrustworthy source.
Your kids are growing up fast—too fast, some might say! Yet, just because their identities and interests are changing doesn’t mean you no longer have an important role in their lives. Set aside special time with them to do something they want to do; a movie or favorite place to eat, roller skating (yes, you can do it!), or a favorite activity of theirs. Be available, love them, and set realistic expectations for them at home. You’ll survive these challenging years and so will they!
Want to talk a parenting challenge through with a coach that’s been through it (successfully) with children with differences (including dyslexia, introversion, social anxiety, and ADHD)? You can contact Kathryn now for a complimentary get-to-know-you session. You can find more advice on parenting and relationships here on her blog.