New Parents: How To Tell If You Have Postpartum Depression

(and how to handle it if you do…)

You just brought a new little life into the world. The perfect combination of traits from you and your partner resulted in a precious tiny human, a bundle of joy. Yet you don’t feel the joy you were expecting just a few days ago before you delivered. Instead you’re filled with anxiety and crying­–a lot.  Here’s how to tell if you have postpartum depression.

Here’s how to figure it all out:

You may be exceptionally moody, find it hard to concentrate, and lose confidence in your ability to take care of your baby and family. You may want to withdraw from others; even those closest to you. To top it all off you’re exhausted. You want to confide in your doctor or a friend, but you’re embarrassed. You’re supposed to be happy.

Your husband seems to be tired and grumpy, too. He says he’s worried about you, but you’re worried about all of you. Your baby is crying almost as much as you. Is this little sleep normal for a newborn?

What happened?

Where did all the excitement, anticipation, and thrill of adding to your family go? Is it normal to feel this plain bad in the days and weeks following childbirth?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, what’s sometimes called the “baby blues” affects as much as 80 percent of new mothers. There is a difference, though, between baby blues and postpartum depression, which is on the severe end of the spectrum. Feeling the blues after giving birth is the natural result of hormonal changes, new schedules and routines, lack of sleep, and the overwhelm of being a new caregiver. These feelings are short-lived, often fading and disappearing after a few weeks.

Conversely, postpartum depression is serious. It doesn’t go away, hanging on tenaciously, getting worse as the weeks go by. It can start at any time during the first few months after having a baby. Losing interest in all the activities you once enjoyed or looked forward to is a common symptom. Thoughts of self-harm or hurting the baby might even occur.

But know this:

Neither baby blues or postpartum depression is a result of moral failure or having a flawed character. Most moms have experienced the biological and psychological highs and lows of being a new parent, and most will be there for you if you need to ask a question or need a helping hand. Fathers, too, are not immune to the blues or developing symptoms of depression after the birth of their child.

Take Care of Yourself.

Nurture your relationship with your spouse or partner. If you’re single, draw on the strength of a close relative or friend. Spend time together without your little one. Find a trustworthy babysitter or family member to take care of the baby a few hours each day or week. Don’t let weeks or months go by without that special one-on-one time with another adult. One of the best things you can do for your child is to have a healthy and happy relationship with your sweetheart.

Get Help.

There is no need to feel guilty or embarrassment. There’s no shame in needing help. Down through the ages—and in many parts of the world today—child-rearing was and is a family endeavor. Multi-generations lived under one roof and offered community support for one another. In Western cultures, family generations are independent and usually separated by distance. Many of us are disconnected from grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Our parents may have passed as the age of having children gets later. Or maybe you’re now responsible for their care, too.

Raising your child without outside help is both common and challenging.

Parenting a newborn is a full-time job; in fact, it’s being “on call” 24/7. It’s a challenge for anyone no matter what, but if you’re holding down a job, going to college, or taking care of aging parents in addition to being a new parent, it would be almost impossible without extra help. If your personal circumstances don’t allow you the luxury of relying on extended family, there are alternatives: babysitting co-ops, daycare, arranging for weekly or monthly house cleaning service, or ordering groceries online for pick-up at a local grocery store. Do what you can to make things easier for yourself.

Ask a Friend, Neighbor or Professional.

Don’t underestimate your family doctor or pediatrician as a source of advice, or going to your religious leader or a counselor for emotional support. Parenting skills are not instinctual; you must learn through practice. Your baby will gradually teach you all you need to know, but for now, rely on those who’ve been in your shoes. Sign up for classes, join a support group, and watch training videos on child-rearing by reliable experts or organizations.

If you’re suffering from postpartum depression, know that you’re not alone. You are not abnormal. Take thoughts of self-harm seriously and seek treatment. Depression can last for months or even years without treatment. Yet many forms of treatment are available, with or without medical insurance. Help is but a phone call away, and there are online resources as well. With time, self-care, and treatment, the joys of parenthood can become a reality for you.

Check out these resources for more information:

Postpartum Support International Help for Moms and Dads

WebMD Postpartum Depression: What You Should Know

Feel free to reach out to Kathy if you have a question or concern. She’s the mom of two young adults who taught her well and coaches many moms. She can also recommend a few good therapists if needed.

If you or someone you know is in crisis or thinking of suicide, get help quickly.

Call your doctor, 911, and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255); TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889).