7 Reasons Why Working Moms Have It Harder When They’re Also Divorced
Being a mom is a full-time, often thankless job. Being a working mom takes motherhood to another level. And there are reasons why working moms have it harder when they’re also divorced…reasons that earn them extra kudos and maybe even a superhero cape.
According to Statista, children of divorced parents in the US overwhelmingly live with their mothers–three to five times that for fathers, depending on their age.
Mothers are more likely than fathers to make professional sacrifices in deference to child-rearing needs. They are more likely to drop out of the labor force, pass up promotions, and choose occupations that are more family-friendly. Even for married couples, mothers still assume the greater responsibility for childcare and housework. Not only does this pattern affect a working mother’s income in the present; it affects her income trajectory going forward.
On the other hand, a father who assumes the role of primary breadwinner simultaneously builds his future personal security and income potential within the labor force. If the mother has adjusted her ambitions to accommodate the family and home, she will be professionally stunted, at least relative to the father’s constancy in the labor force.
Even in the context of marriage, it should be easy to see, in general, why working moms have it harder.
But when there is a divorce, especially when children are still dependent, the working mother’s situation weakens in comparison to both working fathers and married working mothers.
Being a working parent is heroic in scope and effort, no matter how big the supporting village is. But let’s look at some reasons why working moms have it harder when they’re also divorced.
Divorced moms are usually the primary guardians of their children.
Today’s custody arrangements are much more organic than they were when bi-weekend visitations were the norm. Yet most children still live primarily with their mothers. That means Mom is the one making everything work on the home-front every day. It also means she is the one balancing career options with parenting responsibilities.
Single moms have greater financial difficulties.
As mentioned above, it is more common for mothers than fathers to adjust their careers to prioritize their families and homes. A divorce may force them into the job market for the first time, into a lower paying position than when they left the job market, or into an education program in order to acquire a job. Regardless, they are usually struggling to do more with less. The Mommy Track is still very real.
They do it all because they have to.
Mere survival can seem overwhelming when there is no back-up at home. Often, grandparents and other extended family live far away. There’s no money to pay a sitter. There are always days when one parent just wants to come home and ask the other parent to handle everything. But the long work days and exhaustion of being a single mom don’t warrant a hall pass when kids have needs and the roof has decided to spring a leak.
Conflicts between work and home.
It’s difficult to climb the corporate ladder if the pick-up deadline at daycare conflicts with a boss’s unscheduled drop-in at 5:00. Single fathers who do not have primary custody are not, in general, as controlled by their kids’ schedules and needs. And that freedom can be a big asset to an employer.
Loss of control, time, and freedom.
If you’re divorced, or solely responsible for your family, you may feel that your life is chaotic and disorganized. You may also often feel as though you have only one choice no matter what the decision. Divorced working moms may feel no control or order in their lives most of the time, and not just when it comes to their kids. The clock doesn’t stop, kids don’t stop growing, and the unpredictable doesn’t hold off just because an overworked mom desperately needs a break.
There’s only so much they can do.
I often lamented being only one person when I was raising my kids. Most women have joked more than once they need a clone. Overwhelm in general comes at the price of missing a lot in order to get by. Divorced working moms may find that they don’t “catch” as much as they used to…and they may not care about as many different things either. They’re more apt to drop the ball from sheer exhaustion alone. Often, they are forced to work more than one job to make ends meet, plus take care of their families.
The bar is higher.
While this reason may be imbued with stereotype, it is common for moms in general to feel that the “parenting bar” is set higher for them than it is for dads. Mothers are scrutinized not only for their behavior, but for their children’s behavior. “Where’s your mom?” and “Didn’t your mom teach you…?” are still quick off the tongue when parenting is called into question. Moms are the ones in charge of everything from bake sales to carpools to parent-teacher conferences to medical visits.
Differences in perceptions about single fathers vs. single mothers abound in the dating world. The way women view the dateability of a divorced father tends to be far different than the way men view the dateability of a divorced mother. Even the time devoted to a dating life can have a gender-bias, especially if children spend the majority of their time with their mothers. Plus, in my experience, my friends and clients “wait to date,” putting their children’s needs to have time with them above any personal need.
Social norms are always evolving; and yet, some things are slower to change. Every divorce is unique, and so is every custody and parenting arrangement.
But when it comes to the challenges faced by divorced working parents, working moms, in general, have some extra hurdles to clear. If you’re a divorced mom,contact me for a special list of self-care tips I created just for you or find more information in this article. If you know a divorced mom, reach out to her if you have the time or space in your life. She could use your friendship.