What To Do When Good Parenting Goes Wrong

By Kathryn Ramsperger | July 24, 2018
What to do when good parenting goes wrong.

Even good enough parents sometimes make mistakes. Even the best of parents has an off day (more often, an off year) with their adolescent or teen. Here’s what to do when good parenting goes wrong.

Time was your kid listened to you, did everything he was told, thought you’d hung the moon. Now he’s off doing his own thing, and you feel he’s way too young to be making adult decisions. Maybe he’s on social media all hours. Maybe his grades have fallen or you suspect he’s shoplifting. Maybe you’ve even found some empty wine bottles in your trash that aren’t yours. You’ve been called into his high school principal’s office — for him. You brought him home and yelled your head off. You, who used to be the calm one. How did this happen to you?

1.   First, know you’re not alone.

Plus, it’s probably not as bad as it feels.

It’s a weird phenomenon, but now that my kids are grown, when I talk to other parents about what my kids got into while they were in middle and high school, it truly doesn’t seem as bad now. They learned from their mistakes (just a tiny few real ones…the others were mistakes in perception). We laugh, and then that parent confides in me that their kid was involved in something just as eyebrow raising. There’s a code of silence when it’s your kid, and s/he’s in the thick of it. We parents don’t talk to each other (well, most of us don’t…and then there’s moi) when our kid’s reputation is at stake. We cluster around them in a protective huddle. Yet take it from me, if your kid is in trouble, there is another kid who’s made the same mistake–or worse.

2.   Think about the long-run before you compromise.

Remember you are the parent. You get to decide the rules. Your kid probably thinks she’s ready for something long before she actually is. This isn’t a debate or a real negotiation because you are not yet equals in terms of maturity, experience, or growth from mistakes made. You can see the future better than she can. So hold your ground for her sake for as long as you can. “The biggest mistake I see parents make every day is when they make parenting decisions based upon emotions, ” says psychologist Becca Ballinger in her blog Parenting the Modern Family. So think before you give in. Take a breath before you yell. Think about your child’s future before you compromise.

3.  Let your kids know what you think, feel, and believe.

Without screaming.

Be open but not dictatorial about your values and beliefs. But don’t expect them to think, feel, or believe likewise. Encourage critical thinking and compromise. For years, we had weekly family meetings. The rules were 1) Be polite. 2) State your case. 3) No screaming. 4) Parents’ decisions rule in the end.

When making a decision, find an objective means to evaluate it. “Use a critical thinking tool, such as a list of pros and cons, to evaluate the options. “Using such a tool will help you and your child (and mom) arrive at a decision that is as objective as possible,” says Christopher A. Brown of The Father Factor. Your child may still say your decision is unfair, but if they know the WHY in your decision based on your beliefs and values, you’ll be surprised at how their future decisions involve that WHY.

4.  Walk Your Talk.

There’s an now-infamous family story about my husband’s driving epithets. When we had our son, he watered his pejorative language down to “Stupid Idiot!” Months went by, and when my son began to have a vocabulary, he yelled “Idiot!” every time anyone beeped the horn.

Don’t expect perfection from yourself, your spouse, or your child. Yet try to allow your life to exemplify the actions you’d like your child to take. If you’re partying and drinking most weekends, expect your child to do likewise. If you’re gossiping about your neighbors, expect that of your child also. It’s really true children do as we do, not necessarily as we say. So next time you curse or worse, think twice (unless you want your offspring to follow suit). They might not do it now, but they will. What good behavior can you pass on to your child? What lessons have you learned that you can show them before they make similar mistakes?

5.  Encourage morals and ethics, not dictums.

We all want our kids to exhibit “appropriate behavior that aligns with ours, but don’t condemn or overreact to behavior that’s not. For example, my young adult daughter has tattoos. I don’t love the tattos. Yet in the broad scheme of things, is a tat a moral or ethical issue? No, it’s a taste issue. I’m still concerned that she may be passed up for a job interview or that the ink will poison her. But when I measure it in terms of how she treats others, respects herself body and soul, or sees the world? It’s a fashion statement or an artistic expression, not a right or wrong action. (OK, it took me a while after the first tat to reach this conclusion, but I’m not perfect….) I

If your child crosses the line in terms of actions you deem immoral or unethical, offer positive criticism with a review of what could have been done differently. That’s much more effective than losing your cool, yelling or grounding.

And here’s my most important thing to do when good parenting goes wrong.

6.  Know your child is watching you…

… and listening more than you think.

So long before you’re thinking your good parenting has gone wrong, know that good parenting will always go right if it’s about love. That’s why you had them in the first place, right? Just love them. Let there be no doubt you love them. Take a deep breath. And another. Then practice radical child acceptance.

That’s why we had our kids in the first place, to exchange love and learn from each other. They’re going to behave and misbehave. They’re not rejecting you. Be there for them. Be there for yourself. Be true to yourself. In the end, they will turn out more like you than you could ever imagine. And they’ll do you proud!

If you’d like to talk to me about parenting decisions, you can always contact me here for a brief complimentary strategy session.

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