How To Make Good Parenting Decisions

5 Tips From A Mother On The Other Side Of The Parenting Wormhole

I had a friend I shared maternity clothes with who made me vow I’d never read a parenting guidebook. I laugh at that now, because it’s a promise I’ve broken all too frequently. The first time I read a guidebook was when my son refused to nurse because he had colic. The second time was when he got his first scar. The third time was when he was facing surgery to correct a rare birth defect.

Now, with kids in their 20s, I realize how to make good parenting decisions was easier than I thought. In fact, the best decisions I made were my own and that my mistakes didn’t hurt my kids. They turned out just fine. Yet I wish there had been more guidance that wasn’t there.

You’ll read tips all over the web about everything from potty training discipline to talking about the birds and bees. I may share some tips like that here on my blog. However, here are the five MOST important things I wish those guidebooks, blogs, and BFFs had shared more of. If you follow these guidelines, the rest is, well…not a breeze…but easier on the whole family.

Here are my top tips for how to make good parenting decisions:

1. There is no “right” way to parent. Parents don’t need to be perfect. And (shhhh!) your kids aren’t perfect either, nor do they need to be. Families just need to be good enough to populate a better world.  My daughter’s organic rompers don’t matter much to either one of us anymore because now she has tattoos. Yet she also has a wonderful GPA, a boyfriend who loves her, a passion for a future career, and a zest for life. She’s happy, not perfect. My son, more conservative in nature, my first-born who still doesn’t sleep enough hours in my opinion, has a wonderful GPA and is searching for the right (not perfect) career. He’s not perfect, yet he trusts himself enough to know he’ll find the right job git. That’s what you want for your baby as you nurse it. Happiness. Not perfection.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s part of your child’s job to make poor decisions–and learn from them. As your child grows, the decisions become bigger. It’s not about a play date, or whether to buy organic. It’s no longer about when to put them in their own bed during the night. Once they’re young adults (who sleep in your house and spend your money), decisions become all about safety. I’m shaking in my boots right now about a communication I need to have with my college-aged daughter. Yet I’ve learned along the way how to approach her. I realize she’s turned out just fine in spite of her slightly impetuous nature. Your child will teach you how to parent them, what decisions need to be made and when. You’ll be ready for the big stuff. My daughter will be ok no matter what I say, as long as I say it with the intent to help, with respect and love.

3. Our kids are not our parents’ kids. Don’t take that the wrong way. Of course, we don’t want meddling grandparents. What I mean by this is more in line with “not your father’s automobile” or “not your mom’s jeans.” We are exploring new territory, making new pathways, sometimes with blood, always with sweat, and often with tears. Our parents had to try new things with us, too. The difference between 21st-century parenting and 20th-century parenting is at least a lightyear away in terms of technique. Our parents had a TV. We have the internet. Our parents had “Just say no.” We have STDs. Our parents had bullies. We have social media stalkers. Even if we want to totally rely on our parents’ advice, we can’t. The times have changed, and with it, parenting has, too. Ask for other opinions, both from your parents and mentors, as well as from your peers. Then make your own decision. No one but you has your kids. Parent each one differently, and watch for results and course correct. If the results are not pleasing, think about navigating a little bit more to the left or right. Think of it like steering a very sensitive ship with a stubborn rudder in a storm. Only this ship has human frailties. That’s what parenting is.

4. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a time-out if necessary. You want to parent with objectivity, not with a passionate emotional reaction. If we face (better word: confront) our kids through negative, out-of-control emotion, we will only make a fool of ourselves. They will not listen. They may do the opposite of what we want. Nor will anything coming out of our mouths make a bit of sense the next day…not to us, not to them. That’s because our thoughts are not mature when we are upset. They come from the animal part of our brains, which is urging us into fight or flight. They’ll probably react with a similar negative emotion if we come at them like a boxer…only worse…because their prefrontal cortex, the part of their brains involved in step-by-step decision making is not yet mature. Ever seen two roosters fight? That’s what I’m talking about. However, if we take time to calm down and plan our response to something they’ve done to break house rules, and speak calmly (they may say we’re yelling even if we’re whispering), we’ll yield better results. We’re the ones with the mature frontal lobes, right?

5. Remember your childhood.  Were you perfect? Did you make perfectly mature decisions? How did you react when you were grounded or called out in public or screamed at (or worse)? Treat your children as young humans, because that’s what they are. Think back to your youth. What did you respond to? React to? We want only great lives for our kids, and few of us had lives without stress, pain, or disappointment. Humans are just made to make mistakes, but if we help our kids learn from theirs instead of driving them into making them again and again, we will be both guiding our kids to make better decisions and creating a happier family life.

If we are easier on ourselves, which will help us make good parenting decisions, which will mean we’ll be easier on our kids, even the ones we label “tough,” even for the tough times we share with our children. We’ll rely on our rational thought process instead of our emotions when making parenting decisions. We’ll respect our kids and their opinions (even if it’s only a bout of crying during nursing or a meltdown). We’ll get their feedback, and we’ll look at the results of our decisions as we would a science experiment to course correct.  They’ll grow up more compassionate, better directed, and wise. They’ll have found their self-worth and be prepared to share that with their own brood some day.

If you’re having challenges with your kids (what mom doesn’t?) and need some sage advice, some ears to bounce your decisions off of, or some nurturing, I’m here to help.  You can contact me here for a brief complimentary get-to-know-each-other session. Please let me know you’re contacting me about this session in the message. Looking forward to meeting you!