Ask Kathryn Ramsperger
You may think "business" when you think "communication, but we use communication in every area of our lives: from job interviews, to speaking with health practitioners, to expressing love to our partners, to guiding our children, to expressing our creativity.
We use communication every day, so why not learn how to be an effective communicator? Learning to use our "voice" can help us solve problems, connect with our authentic selves, and nurture our relationships.
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When trying to improve our communication, it's best to think first of all the ways we communicate.
Words
Think about the way you speak, write, or even think. Are your words delivered in a rat-a-tat-tat manner in run-on sentences? Do you stop to take a breath and ensure the other person is understanding what you say reflects what you mean? Do you find yourself stumbling over your words or pausing to think of the best words to use? Do you search for words? Do you, as our moms taught us early, use your words? When you write or read, do you prefer long or short sentences and paragraphs? Do you like adjectives, nouns, or verbs best? These are all interesting questions to ask yourself, and to notice in yourself as you begin your quest to improve your communications.
“For thought is a bird of space that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.” -Khalil Gibran
Emotional Expression
Our inflection, intonation, and cadence of speech can also convey a great deal that simple words do not. Even our writing has a voice unique to us, and that involves all three plus word choice. If we find that we're frequently misunderstood, it's generally a problem of how you express yourself. We could slow down our speech, enunciate consonants instead of slurring them, practice bringing a warmness in to our tone. Or vice versa. Experimentation and observation will help you find that sweet spot where people begin to listen to you, and this will become your communication style.
Of course will change depending on the circumstance, of course. It's important to have more than one communication style. My coaching can help you decide how to communicate to a certain person or in a particular situation. A business meeting in which you're being bullied may call for more unyielding communication than if you're in a one-on-one meeting about project plans. The key is to notice where you are and to whom you're speaking.
Body Language
All you have to do is speak with someone who speaks another language than you, and you'll always remember how critical body language is to communication. Expression is conveyed in more than words. If you're telling a loved one that you adore them, but you have a frown on your face or your arms crossed, don't expect them to believe your assertion. Plus, too much of this creates a divide and basic breech of trust in any relationship, personal or professional.
Notice the lines on your face, especially on your brow line. If you're frowning unconsciously because you squint to see (as I do), work on smoothing out your forehead next time you speak to an audience. Smile, too. See if the audience response changes. Remember to notice your facial expression, your stance and body movements. Are they fluid or rigid? Do you stand one way almost all the time? Do you let your body move, or hold it still? Do you lean or hold yourself up when you speak? Be especially aware of habits such as eye rolling or sighing.
"I learned to listen within my stories for what went unsaid by my characters."
- Nadine Gordimer
Speaking vs Listening
You don't need to be intuitive to feel into the energy a person is expressing. Often, we need to listen to the pauses, and take time from trying to make others listen to us to listen ourselves. Ernest Hemingway used silence as a literary device. Kofi Anan listened as much to what was unsaid in a negotiation as he did to what was said. If we listen to a piece of music, the rests are as important as the notes played. It's the same with communication in any form. Take a breath. Take a pause. Reflect back what the other person is saying to you using active listening techniques (repeating back in your own words what the person has said to you). Ask questions. Your nonjudgmental curiosity will relax and open up the other person.
"Literacy is a bridge from misery to hope." - Kofi Annan
How To Be An Effective Communicator In A Relationship
Almost all communication takes place in some sort of give and take in relationship. However, here "relationship" means something more personal, more familial, even romantic. You'd think that communicating in a relationship would be easier, but often it's more difficult. That's because when we become comfortable with another person, we slide back into our old communication habits. Comfortable old habits lead to relationship laziness. We also bring all our past relationship trauma into our communications.
Your partner may not mean, "I'm angry," when she asks you to pick up something that dropped on the floor, whereas your mother may have been angry when she said that.
It's absolutely crucial to stay in the present moment when communicating with anyone, but especially someone we feel emotionally connected to. Live in the conversation. Breathe. Listen as much as talk. And be nice. If you find yourself in frequent arguments, it might be wise to get get a coach, a therapist, or simply try meditation to calm yourself and be in the moment. Say one kind thing to those you love each day--a compliment, a memory, an observation--that moves the conversation beyond "love you! bye!" Feel free to leave love notes, give little gifts, and stop texting and start talking!
"The most critical thing in a negotiation is to get inside your opponent's head and figure out what he really wants." - Jacob Lew
Compromise, Negotiation, Meditation
In your search for how to be an effective communicator, any negotiation is a great teacher. Most of us come into a negotiation wanting something. We may push or pull rather than relax into a balanced conversation. Often an expert mediator is called in, only to realize that one party has not been heard at all, or at the very most, misinterpreted. If we find out what everyone at the negotiation table wants (and we do this through conversation), we can reach compromise. Timing is everything [blog link].
"If leaders really want people to show up, speak out, take chances, and innovate, we have to create cultures where people feel safe — where their belonging is not threatened by speaking out and they are supported when they make the decision to brave the wilderness, stand alone, and speak truth to bullshit while maintaining civility." -Brene Brown
The Human Connection
Long marriages are breaking up because of politics. Friendships are dissolving because of misunderstandings. That's because many people have forgotten how to communicate. We are in a crisis of disconnection. We text rather than talk, send an email rather than meet face-to-face, and we blame on social media. We take sides before we even know our "friends." We come into every conversation with a formed opinion, ready to judge the Other's. Are you for this or against it? Are you with me or not? No wonder most conversations are either argumentative or one-way. We hang out with people who are cookie cutter models of ourselves. Maybe they don't look like us, but they'd sure better agree with us.
Here are three simple steps to practicing effective communication skills to resolve all this disconnection and conflict.
I help my clients improve these communication challenges and many others through my Step Into Your Story (C) process:
1. Practice Different Communication Styles.
2. Find Your True Voice and Respect Others.
3. Know Your Audience, and Practice Good Timing.
You can find more info on these three simple steps on my coaching blog. If you'd like to discuss a communication challenge you have, I offer complimentary consults. If your challenge needs a more complex solution, I can show you what methods and modalities I use, and you up for coaching if desired. Set up a time to chat here.